At a cardiac arrest, the first procedure is to take your own pulse.

These clinical reflections aim to explore the unique dynamic between clients and clinicians, whether that's doctor-patient or therapist-client. As far as I can tell, it’s a relationship like that of a parent and a child in terms of the caregiver-recipient hierarchy, but one further complicated by formalized professionalism and patient autonomy. Clinicians breach into arenas of physical and emotional vulnerability without the familiarity we see in friendships and romantic and familial relationships. 

I’m continually perplexed by the tension between vulnerability and professionalism that forms a tightrope for these professions to walk on; it’s a tightrope that I think informs when their care helps, harms, or something in between. 

Some of the reflections start from the perspective of the clinician; others look-up from the gaze of the patient. All of them explore the hard to achieve dynamic of a good bedside manner or therapeutic presence. With that, here are some things I’ve been thinking

Admittedly, I've never been a clinician, but I have been a patient, a family member to both doctor and patient, and a worried hallway wanderer for people I hadn't previously met. All those roles surfaced in my experience as a crisis line worker. When I sat with clients receiving rape kits, the die-hard pre-med student part of me was enthralled by the examining. The companion part of me winced at the photo-taking. The justice-seeking part of me aligned with the police officer’s approach to questioning, but the justice-doubting part of me wondered why we were bothering with all the trouble that promised little hope. As a covid-screener, I was the voice that told families they could only bring one companion to see their newborn or dying loved one. As a patient ambassador, I was the ear that heard the stressed outcries of pregnant women who had to choose between their mother and their spouse. Most of my reflections result from the experiences I wrestle with - where’s the empathetic happy spot between patient and caregiver?